I am pieces of quotes from my favorite books stitched together by song lyrics and I am glued together by midnight conversations and the sweet taste of coffee and i have this tendency to fall apart suddenly........

--She is a paradox. She is faithful and yet detached. She is committed and yet relaxed. She loves everyone, and yet no one. She is sociable but also a loner. She is gentle and yet tough. She is passionate but can also be platonic. In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability.
--I am not a graceful person. I am not a Sunday morning or a Friday sunset, I am a Tuesday 2 am, I am gunshots muffled by a few city blocks. I am a broken window during February. My bones crack on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and I apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believe that I don't belong around people, that i belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. you don't see the lighting but i hear the echoes.
--She's the places that she has a desire to visit. She's the pieces of quotes that are spattered in ink in her favorite books. She's the road trips she hopes to go on. She's the beautiful characters that mesmerized her in her favorite books. She's full of dreams, and I hope they one day come true.

She is a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in her eyes. 

........and i need you to somehow be okay with this because i am created by the souls who are brave enough to gather all my tattered pieces and put me back together.
and oh God how i would love to be whole again.

I want you to know, if you ever read this, there was a time when I would rather have had you by my side than any one of these words; I would rather have had you by my side than all the blue in the world.

--I had a fantasy. I liked to imagine that one day I'd look across the tables, and see you. Sitting there with your wife, perhaps some kids. You wouldn't say anything to me, or me to you, but we'd both know..that you'd made it. That you were happy.
--There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice. Like the pained silence in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every considered step I take in the opposite direction of you.
--If we were to vocalize our worth to one another, all i can recall was being a message sent between classes, an extended arm for a brief hug, an intoxicated phone call at 2 am, and a desolate bed with a starving heart. I didn't mean to sound ungrateful, but you meant everything to me. And so, i wonder if that was all i ever was to you.
--I am convinced that there exists a mechanism behind your lips that siphons every last ounce of air from my lungs when they stretch into a smile.
--Closure. Like time suspended, a wound unmended-you and i. We had no ending, no said goodbye; for all my life, i'll wonder why.
--At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
--He didn't break my heart- no, i thought he did, and i wrote these stories to try and convince myself, but that would be giving him too much credit. At best, he shattered the bones around it; my ribs, and maybe my sternum, or my collar, and though it left my heart vulnerable i built it a new cage of solitude and gave my bones the chance to hear. i am finally ready again.


He and I. When words run dry, he does not try, nor do i. We are on par. He just is, I just am, and we just are.

Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you text at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are.

Even after...

Even after all this time, there are still so many things I want to tell you. How I'm different now, but a good different. How after you left, I wasn't sure if i believed in love or God or soulmates anymore. And that now, I believe again. How I kissed a boy who was nothing like you and I didn't hate it. My parents are doing well, and I have the best dog ever. I have an apartment you haven't seen. I can fall asleep in my bed here without thinking of times spend crying in it before. How I laugh again. How i don't cry everyday anymore. You used to be the only one who could calm me down, and now I learned how to calm myself down.
There are so many things I want to apologize for. I'm sorry for not being enough to make you stay. I'm sorry for all the mean words I said to you. I didn't mean them. I was angry after you hurt me. I'm sorry for trying so hard to hold onto you. I know you didn't want me to. I'm sorry for not allowing you to fully move on. I was just so scared of losing you. I'm not scared anymore. I think I lost you a long, long time ago.
There are so many things I want to thank you for. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for forcing me to put myself out there and find my way all on my own. Thank you for breaking my heart again every time I try to speak to you. Each time it reminds me that you're not what I need. But more importantly, thank you for the nights you loved me. Thank you for every "I love you". I feel so lucky to have been in love, even if it didn't last. I feel so lucky to have loved you.
There are so many things i want to tell you. But most importantly, i want to tell you that I have moved on.


I hope she makes you happy, I really do.

Done with all of it

What i did all night and all day.

This is how my night and day went. Every time my phone vibrated and it wasn't you. Every time i texted with no response. Every time i called and no one picked up.

I can't lose him

I'm terrified. I'm so scared that this is going to be it. That I've pushed too far. I know I gave an ultimatum and I know it was in the heat of the moment but I said what I meant because life has sucked recently because of all of this. But I cannot lose him. He's all I have. He is all that makes me happy. I can't sleep without him being the last person I talk to. I can't function at all with the unknown. I miss him all day any time he isn't with me already so I don't know what I would do. If he leaves, I would have no one to talk to. He is the only person i talk to on a regular basis. He's the only person who will listen to all of my problems and not tell me they're stupid. He just accepts me. He's the only person i can think of talking to about my day. When something happens he's the one i want to tell. He holds me when i cry…and i cry a lot. He consoles me. He comforts me. He'll fight with me when i just need someone to do that. He loves me even though i can be a total bitch. I fight with him about our relationship and for our relationship because I want it to work. I want it to last forever. But why do we have to deal with somebody whose desire is to tear us apart. Why would you want to be around someone who does not approve of the woman you love. I can't think of the next minute, hour, week, month, or year and not invasion him there. He has to be there. With me. I don't know what I would do if that changed. I can't go through losing him and missing him. I truly, honestly, do not think i would make it. He is my everything at this point. He's my future. I don't know what to do.

Please don't leave me. Please choose us. Please make us work. Please. I love you.