I'll be okay

I just feel tired. I sleep but wake up exhausted. My dreams wake me up multiple times during the night but once I'm awake I don't remember what the dream was really about. I curl up in my fluffy chair under a blanket, with peaceful, wordless music playing and I'm lost. A good kind of lost. I'm not really asleep but I'm not aware either. It's a coping mechanism I guess. Cause I don't have to think, I don't have to wonder. This may make me sound insane but I'm not, I'm just dealing with stuff. Relapses happen, I guess somehow its part of the healing process. I'll be okay, I've gotta keep telling myself. And I know it's true. I'm fine when I'm busy, when I'm distracted. My friends make me forget that the pain is there. Being with him, the thoughts go away. But when I'm not at school, when I'm not with him, what I'm left with is myself, my thoughts, my doubts, my problems. Having time to really think just isn't good (like now when we're doing nothing in class). But i'll be okay. Some old habits have came back up with everything. Like the meds. I don't want to take them, I hate the fact the I do, but it's numbing just to the point where the burning in my throat that is caused by the want to cry, and the words I want to say, or scream, that I just don't have, goes away and I can just breathe. I'll be okay. He doesn't understand this I know. I know he's looking out for me. It's nice to have someone who cares for me, and will hold my secrets and not judge me. But don't lay out rules for me. I'm getting through this myself. I'll be okay. My friends don't know anything is going on. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to be a burden or to bring them down. They have their own problems to deal with. I don't want them or him to save me, I want them to "stand by me as I save myself"and I'll be okay.

I can't explain what's going on, I can't tell you how to "fix it" and I can't say when I'll be "fixed" but I'll be okay.

Very true

Found this picture on twitter and found it funny

Dear love,

There are so many things that you do, say, or whatever that make me love you and there's so many things i love about us. Like how I LOVE how you hold me. I LOVE how you tell me I'm beautiful. I LOVE how you look at me funny when I say something stupid. I LOVE how you make me happy. I LOVE how you smile when I see you. I LOVE how you laugh when I say something random, or stupid. I LOVE the faces you make at me. I LOVE how you ask me if I'm alright when I can't stop laughing. I LOVE how you make me feel. I LOVE how you tell me I look cute. I LOVE how you say sweet things to me. I LOVE how you whisper in my ear when it's really quiet. I LOVE how you squeeze me so hard when I hug you. I LOVE how I can talk to you for hours about anything, and you listen. I LOVE how we text each other as soon as we wake up. I LOVE how you want to spend every day with me. I LOVE how you squeeze my hand. I love how you rub my back when it hurts, and how you kiss my neck cause you know it turns me on. I LOVE how you lay next to me, and tell me that everything's perfect. I LOVE how you see the person I really am. I LOVE how you say we are perfect for each other. I LOVE how you make me cry, but not because I'm upset or sad, or you hurt me, but because you made me the happiest person ever. I LOVE how I wake up in the morning for you. I LOVE how I anticipate seeing you. I LOVE how you kiss me. I LOVE how I look at the empty space in my bed, and wish you were filling it. I LOVE how I get nervous when I see you, but feel more comfortable with you than I do with anyone else. I LOVE how you dont care what my parents think about us. I LOVE how you deal with my picky eating habits. I LOVE how you worry about me, and take care of me. I LOVE how you pay for me when we go places. I LOVE how you insist everything will be alright, and make me feel at ease. I LOVE how you keep me warm when I'm cold. I LOVE how you give me weird looks at awkward moments. I LOVE how you stop everything for me. I LOVE how I'm important to you. I LOVE how I make you happy and I LOVE how you make me happy. I LOVE how I just want to be with you. I LOVE how I have to stop everything because I get distracted thinking about you and just have to text you and tell you I LOVE you. I LOVE how you get jealous. I LOVE how you are when you are with your family and I LOVE being with your family. I LOVE how I can see myself with you forever. I LOVE how we talk about being together forever. I LOVE how you tickle me (even though I act like it annoys me). I LOVE how you get mad when someone says something to upset me. Needless to say, I LOVE everything about you, so thank you for being the best boyfriend I could ever ask for!!!! I LOVE YOU!

Dear you,

Things have changed. I'm not that girl that you can come to, and have me drop everything to be at your every whim. I don't "belong" to you anymore. Yes, I've said that a part of me will always care for you but you have to realize that I have to move on in every way possible. I am trying to be your friend, I really am. But if you want that to be possible it has to be on my rules. I'm sorry that i seem to be "off" all the time. But this is me trying. There are SO many things that I could say to you but it would ruin any form of friendship that we would ever have because the things that come to my mind to say to you are not nice in the least. When you say "why don't you text me back" or "you don't seem like you want to talk to me" that's cause most of the time I don't! But like I said, I'm trying. I'm trying to be a "big girl" about this. But there are days and moments when I just want to go off on you, and the bad thing is, is that I know that I kinda have the right to! And you dont get to be mad at me for it! I want to say that if you wanted me to be there for you you should've taken advantage of the bazillion chances you've had in the past! But you've missed the boat now. I have a GREAT guy that cares about me and I will NOT let anything mess our relationship up. He makes me happy, and he worries about me, and makes sure that I am happy. And he doesn't do those things just for his own benefit in the long run. He is wonderful. And one of the reasons I can see just how great he is, is because he's sticking around to clean up the mess YOU made. He knows how broken I am but loves me anyway and doesn't expect more than I can give. He doesn't expect me to just "get over it" like others have told me. He just loves me and accepts that somedays I can't give him the best sides of me. Sometimes the broken girl is all there is. I still find it funny that you don't see the effects of your actions in the past on me. You don't understand what I still have to go through because of you. But I don't want to explain it to you cause I don't want your bull shit about it. I have an amazing boyfriend now and thats where I'm at.

I've let you go. Down into the dark depths. You used to be "my jack" but now you're just my scar.

Found this draft saved on here from sometime in the past. Pictures I had saved from tumblr.

Oh life. Somedays we're friends. And someways you're a real bitch

Love, is giving someone the ability to destroy your heart...but trusting them not to

--everyday that goes by it seems like I discover something new about you to love. It's incredible to me how one person can make such a big difference in my life, you touch me in a way no one else ever has and give me so many reasons to love you.
--I may forget what you said but I'll never forget how you made me feel
-- meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control
--I told my self I would never love again, but as much as I didn't want to, you came along and made me
--there are only two times I want to be with you, now and forever
-- you know it's right, when no matter what you're doing or what kind of mood your in the thought of him can make you smile
-- when you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed I had the urge to laugh with you, but when you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.
--you are everything I never knew I wanted
--you make me smile for no reason what so ever. You make me laugh at the unfunniest things. But most of all you make me love you when I didn't think I could
Why I love you is a hard question to answer. I love you because you care for me like no one else I know. I love the way I feel in your arms, so safe from the dangers in the world. I love your eyes, so hypnotic and mesmerizing, beautiful to face into, and yet never revealing everything to me. I can't explain every way that I love you because that's impossible. But I can say I love you because you are you.
--This is so different. You're so different. Finally, I've realized what I deserve and it's this, not what I had before
--I need you. You're the guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says hello when I pick up the phone...the guy who makes my hands shake when I'm sitting next to him...and the guy who isn't afraid to keep hugging me when i'm not ready to let go yet
--just the thought of being with you tomorrow is enough to get me through today.
--it's YOU. You mean everything to me... You are the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up; my last though before I go to bed, and you smile at me in my dreams. When you are sad, I feel sad. And when I see your true smile, I feel incredible, like there is no other thing around and all I can see is you.
-- maybe it's the way you grab my hand and hold it. Or the way you kiss me. Or maybe it's the way you let me put my arms around you. Maybe it's the way you look at me, and your smile just makes me melt. Maybe it's the way we can talk in the phone for hours about absolutely nothing but I still feel like I just had the best conversation of my whole life. Maybe it's the way that I want to break down and cry when I think about how you hold me up on a pedestal. Maybe that's what makes me want you so much
--you wrapped your arms around me, pressing your body against mine and in that moment of perfection I knew we were meant to be. And I never wanted you to let me go.
--That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to dry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time.

I love you because I know you're always there. There to catch me when I fell, there to listen when I need you, there when I feel alone. I love you because you understand me. You know how I feel even when I can't say it.687 know I'm not as strong as I say and still you never let me know that I'm not fooling you. I love you because you make me believe. Believe that I am not worthless, believe that I can be loved, and loved, and can love others. I love you because you know. You know I feel this way but can't say it and still you wait. Letting me take my time to come to terms with the fact that I live you, would give my life up to be with you, and above all; never hurt you, lie to you, or leave you. Now I hope you understand how and why I love you.Im sorry I didn't know how to word this before.

I realize now that dying is the easy part. Living is hard

--I still love him. Nothing's changed. He's still that same guy that can make me laugh with the blink of an eye
--one mention of your name and I can't stop the thoughts. I even saw you in my dream last night...I thought I was past that stage.
--and then somebody brings up your name an I'm back in that place, trying to remember how to be okay
--you'll always be my "what if"
--was I just an option when you were bored?
--don't worry, he'll miss you. You're the best he could get, and he blew it. Don't let him make you think for one second that this was your fault. It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't. And honestly, he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you ever spare second he could. But he didn't and now he's gone. But don't you cry. Don't call him telling him you miss him. Dont text him don't message him, dont talk to him.
--I'm ready to let go, move on, and be happy but there will always be this little shred of well maybe he'll want me tomorrow
--I thought I still loved you but then I realized I just love the memories of who you used to be