Slow and steady

June 11, 2013 

2 years 

2 years ago today he did the unthinkable. 2 years ago he was caught. 2 years ago at this time I had no idea that in the next few weeks my entire world would come crashing down and it would take all that was left of me to make it through the next month, and year. It’s been 2 years but I still feel that pain everyday.

July 3, 2013

Thinking back to this day two years ago, I remember every detail. I still remember what I was wearing. A mango colored tank top thing with a white tank top under it and my blue jean shorts. My dad had on a white golf shirt and khakis. I didn't say more than a few words during that conversation. I remember trying not to cry and not succeeding. And I remember that intense burning in my throat.




this is as far as i got when i was writing this post on the third. not even really because it hurt too much but because i didn't know how to put the thoughts in my head into words on the screen. i still don't know how so im posting it anyway. theres no hatred or anger towards him. i can't make myself hate him because i know if he was in pain or needed a friend i'd be there for him no matter how much pain he has caused me in the past. that's where i am. we just exist on the same planet, two people with a deep past. 

Photo Dump

It's easier to suffer in silence. You don't have to make up reasons, orbe asked questions you don't have answers to, and you don't have toapologize....

The truth is, I'm suffering. I fought the breakdown for awhile, for as long as I could. But it happened and once again I lost control over myself. Control I can't seem to regain. It's like one day everything is going okay and the next it's all falling apart faster than you can put it back together. Like I'm walking around everyday carrying a pile of things in my arms. Then it seems like the pile grows and continues to grow. Till one day I no longer have the strength to hold it up any longer and the pile grows at a rapid weight until its all too much and I drop it. And everything falls. And it continues to fall. Down down down. That's how it feels to hit a breaking point. And I hit one, hard.
I don't let people know when things get rough. I just keep it to myself and put on a front. I smile and laugh so nobody sees the depth in my eyes. My friends are going through things too. So I, as I always do, take the role of the strong and put together one. The one always there for the others. I try so hard to help everybody else even though I have no idea how to help myself.
This wasn't a surprise breakdown. Things have been difficult again for a while. I've had different points where it got rough, but this one was the worst. This wasn't one where I woke up the next morning as said "rough night", I woke up and wished I hadn't.
I don't feel good enough. In any way. Inside or out. I see it when I look in the mirror, and I feel it when I make mistakes. Others point out my flaws and my insecurities without noticing or meaning to. I'm probably the most insecure person you'll ever know. And it hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or what anyone needs. And it hurts that I can't be what I want or what I need, because I'm not enough or close to it. And I'm just so damn tired of trying to please everybody. I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about what other people are thinking about you.
Then there's him. But I don't know how to put my thoughts into words yet. So I'll just use pictures for now.

Another year, another day. But this one is harder than the rest.