I realize now that dying is the easy part. Living is hard

--I still love him. Nothing's changed. He's still that same guy that can make me laugh with the blink of an eye
--one mention of your name and I can't stop the thoughts. I even saw you in my dream last night...I thought I was past that stage.
--and then somebody brings up your name an I'm back in that place, trying to remember how to be okay
--you'll always be my "what if"
--was I just an option when you were bored?
--don't worry, he'll miss you. You're the best he could get, and he blew it. Don't let him make you think for one second that this was your fault. It's not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and you trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn't. And honestly, he's not mature enough. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have cared for you with every fiber of his being and been with you ever spare second he could. But he didn't and now he's gone. But don't you cry. Don't call him telling him you miss him. Dont text him don't message him, dont talk to him.
--I'm ready to let go, move on, and be happy but there will always be this little shred of well maybe he'll want me tomorrow
--I thought I still loved you but then I realized I just love the memories of who you used to be

he needs to know

Why did i break up with him? well, its like once i sat down and looked at the situation, all the pieces lying on the floor, it just wasn't a puzzle anymore. none of the pieces fit together. and even if i tried really hard, the pieces, well they were two different puzzles. thats why i did it. he needs to understand that

i guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts too much to hold on

--maybe one day it'll be okay again. that's all i want. i don't care what it takes, i just want to be okay again.
--im tired of living, yet scared of dying
--i don't necessarily want to be happy, i just want to stop feeling miserable.
--im just learning how to smile, and that's not easy to do.
--stop the world. i want to get off
--i bleed for you, thats why i cut. those simple scars are just deep thoughts
--you bleed just to know you're alive
--i don't know what i want in life. i don't know what i want right now. all i know is that im hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there wont be any of me left
--everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheek, i ran away and hid from it. but now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. and i don't know what to do, i just know that the pain i felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more
--i don't know if im getting better, or just used to the pain.
--i know what it's like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you cant; how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.
--you look at me and think "she's so happy" but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.
--what do you do when you become too scared. too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared  to love, too scared to even care.
--sometimes i think that if i wasnt so good at pretending to be, id be better at actually being happy
--everynight before i go to sleep i lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. i try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. all i can see is the past that i can barely recognize anymore.
-- you never know when you wake up, if it will all be the same, or if you'll be back in your dark place again to feel the pain.
--beware of the person that has nothing to lose
--take it from someone who'se fallen...its a long way down
--they say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. but they dont tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
--the only thing standing between me and total happiness, is reality
--nothing can stop me now because i don't care anymore
--in that one instance, i hated everyone in my life. everyone and everything. and me most of all
--i'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions.
--i cut to prove to you that you are not the only one that can hurt me
--i've come to the point where nothing matters anymore. and the things i used to care about, aren't worth fighting for
--i believe in whatever gets you through the night. night is the hardest time to be alive. for me anyway. it lasts so long and four am knows all my secrets.

life happens

the feelings are still there

--Do you ever sit and think.. what if? What if you never said the first hello? What if our paths never crossed? What if you kept your mouth shut and just let things pass, or what if you would have said just one more thing? What if you had five more minutes? What if you could turn back time or make it all just stand still? What if you could say I love you one more time or NEVER had said it at all? Where would your life be?
--

You don't get to be mad at me. I have always been there for you. I have gone out of my way for you over and over again. Do you do the same for me? No. Never. And yet I keep my mouth shut and say nothing about it. I am not in any way trying to say I'm perfect. But I honestly believe I have done everything I am capable of doing, to keep you in my life. The more I tried to keep you, the more you push...ed me away. I have been more understanding and forgiving with you, than I was ever capable of being with anyone else. I have literally put myself through emotional hell for you. I'm not blaming you for this, because I chose that. I chose to allow you to walk all over me without ever saying a word. I did that because I wanted you in my life so badly. But you don't get to be angry with me because I've finally decided that I can't take it anymore. I can't be the only one trying. It hurts too much. But apparently you don't understand that. I care about you so much. You will always be on my mind. But I don't know if I've ever actually been on yours, and I can't be second best anymore. I'm tired of being second best to everyone. Especially you. So I'm letting this go. Never thought I'd say that, did you? I have to. I have to let this go because I'm not strong enough to handle it anymore. If you want me in my life, you need to prove it to me.

--You're the only person that ever made me feel anything, really feel. Even if it wasn't always the best feelings, you're the only one who could make me smile or tear me down in three seconds flat. You're the only person that can drive me crazy, in both a good and bad way. You're the only person that ever made me feel like I didn't have to try so hard. I just wish you knew I still have feelings for you, and I wish you would do something about it.
--I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, an hour without thinking of you. All I wonder is why it is you don't care at all anymore. I am just so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you only make me sad.

nobody, not even the people closest to me know exactly how low i got. here is a little glimpse into the last 2 years of my life

I can't stop thinking what would have happened of we didn't give up on each other

-- nobody ever saw you like I did and you know where that got me? Looking like an idiot when I couldnt let you go.
-- sometimes I lay in bed remembering our conversations and imagining what I should have said instead.
-- he may not be the most attractive guy out there. He may not be the smartest, or the most well dressed. But he has my heart and I love him exactly the way he is. He makes mistakes I know. He's not perfect and I don't expect him to be. But in my yes he's everything.
-- I'm just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want I be able to go a month, a week, an hour without thinking of you. All I wonder is why you don't care at all anymore. I am just so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you only make me sad
-- I just want to know if you meant everything you said. I don't want you back, I don't want an apology. I just want the truth. I want I know if what we had was even worth fighting for in the first place. I want to know if I cross your mind. I want to know I you realize just how much you messed up.
-- as you move on, remember me. Remember us and all we used to be.
-- and when I read all our conversations, the memories flow through my mind like a gentle stream if water. It kills me I relive those once happy moments.
-- unlike him, I just can't walk away. It's not that easy for me to just let go I guess unlike him, it actually mattered to me
-- constantly looking for the slightest signs that show that you miss what you left behind...me
-- without me. You pushed me off the ride, but you hoped I wouldn't fall in this deep out inside. But it's bottomless and too late without a light that could go by the name of you.
-- everyday I'm going to get up as live. I'm going to breathe, laugh, and smile. And maybe one day I'll have a reason too.
-- I need to stop thinking so much because thinking just makes it hurt all over again.
-- you didn't lie. You just beat around the truth with these nice cryptic words.




forgive me. I've lost my faith in you. But you've done this to yourself