I'll be okay

I just feel tired. I sleep but wake up exhausted. My dreams wake me up multiple times during the night but once I'm awake I don't remember what the dream was really about. I curl up in my fluffy chair under a blanket, with peaceful, wordless music playing and I'm lost. A good kind of lost. I'm not really asleep but I'm not aware either. It's a coping mechanism I guess. Cause I don't have to think, I don't have to wonder. This may make me sound insane but I'm not, I'm just dealing with stuff. Relapses happen, I guess somehow its part of the healing process. I'll be okay, I've gotta keep telling myself. And I know it's true. I'm fine when I'm busy, when I'm distracted. My friends make me forget that the pain is there. Being with him, the thoughts go away. But when I'm not at school, when I'm not with him, what I'm left with is myself, my thoughts, my doubts, my problems. Having time to really think just isn't good (like now when we're doing nothing in class). But i'll be okay. Some old habits have came back up with everything. Like the meds. I don't want to take them, I hate the fact the I do, but it's numbing just to the point where the burning in my throat that is caused by the want to cry, and the words I want to say, or scream, that I just don't have, goes away and I can just breathe. I'll be okay. He doesn't understand this I know. I know he's looking out for me. It's nice to have someone who cares for me, and will hold my secrets and not judge me. But don't lay out rules for me. I'm getting through this myself. I'll be okay. My friends don't know anything is going on. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to be a burden or to bring them down. They have their own problems to deal with. I don't want them or him to save me, I want them to "stand by me as I save myself"and I'll be okay.

I can't explain what's going on, I can't tell you how to "fix it" and I can't say when I'll be "fixed" but I'll be okay.